


Why Do We Feel Right?

by theArcane



Series: Destiel AUs/Oneshots [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Falling in Love, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Childhood Trauma, Dean Winchester Has Internalized Homophobia, Dean Winchester In Love, Dean discovers his sexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed Dean Winchester, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Hunter Dean Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, POV Third Person, Post-Purgatory (Supernatural), Post-Purgatory Dean Winchester, Repressed Bisexual Dean Winchester, Season/Series 08, Soft Castiel (Supernatural), Soft Castiel/Dean Winchester, Soft Dean Winchester, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:08:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28840647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theArcane/pseuds/theArcane
Summary: Dean Winchester finds himself drifting away from women. No matter how many night stands he has, he always feels like something's wrong. Especially when he starts picturing his best friend, Castiel's face during sex.But his Dad has always taught him that real men don't lie with real men. And he surely would never disappoint him.ORDean Winchester starts developing feelings for Castiel, while dealing with his internalized homophobia
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Destiel AUs/Oneshots [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2071791
Comments: 4
Kudos: 96





	Why Do We Feel Right?

**Author's Note:**

> Set somewhere past season 8 when they're back from the purgatory and Cas is free of the mind control

And once again, as Dean chased his peak, as he saw stars behind closed eyes, an image popped up in his head. Blue eyes, messed up hair, innocent smile, the more Dean tried not to think about it, the more the image became clear. _Castiel_. Dean came with a shout. 

"That was so good!" A woman's voice brought Dean back to earth, away from the thoughts of angels. He looked at the woman panting beneath him, naked and spent.

She was beautiful, so beautiful. _Then why did Dean feel the need to close his eyes to reach his orgasm? Why did he picture-_

"I have to go." Dean said hurriedly, pulling himself out of her. He flinged the condom off.

"So soon?" The woman smiled at him. Dean, for the life of him, couldn't remember her name. He had met her hours ago at a bar. "Men usually wait until I am asleep to leave." 

Dean sighed. He sat up and put on his pants. "Look I am sorry. You are a great person. You deserve better than me." 

" 'It's not you, it's me.' You think I haven't heard this before?" 

Dean felt bad. He had done a thousand one night stands before, but ever since he had been back from purgatory, he was feeling off his game. He rarely ever hit on women in bars. A few times when he got lucky, he started feeling off after a few minutes. All this had started feeling wrong to him. A small voice inside of him often told him that he just needs to settle down now. Dean didn't agree. He was a ladies man. He was just a little off his game. He will get it back. 

"Listen I really am sorry, it's just that I'm always at the road and you-" Dean said, buttoning his shirt.

"Ah save it babe." The woman smirked at him. "I was just playing with you. Guys like you are the last thing I want anything to do with." 

"Why? Cause I look like a fuckboy?" 

"Nah." She stretched across the bed, putting her breasts in full view. Dean almost wanted to jump back. "Fuckboys, they fuck you and leave. No attachments to them. You, guys like you are worse than them." 

"What do you mean by guys like me?" 

"You know, the ones who are picturing someone else's face while fucking you?" 

Dean gathered his belongings and left. 

  
*******

  
This was wrong. _So wrong_. No matter with whom he was, no matter how beautiful she was, some way or the other, his best friend always managed to pop up in his head. And those were the times Dean often peaked. 

It was just a temporary thing, Dean tried to convince himself. He and Cas did spend a lot of time with each other on the road and Dean often went days without seeing any human other than Sam or Cas. This was obviously messing up Dean's mind There was no way he was _gay_. 

He didn't mind gay people. _Love whoever you want_ , it was none of his business. But John Winchester had told him years ago that they were hunters, they were real men. And real men don't take other men to bed.

Of course Dean had learned over the years that you can love another man and still be a man. Charlie had taught him as much so. But everytime Dean found himself even thinking about being with other men, his father's disappointed face swerved in his head. He would never disappoint him. 

  
*******

  
"And this dog, who talks, he is the one who catches the bad guy?" 

"He didn't catch him. He just tripped and fell, which led the fake ghost to trip and fall and getting caught." 

"Interesting." Cas said, turning his attention back to the TV. 

Dean smiled. It was the first time he had made Cas watch Scooby Doo and the angel looked very interested. To be fair, Cas looked interested in anything Dean made him watch. Sometimes Dean wondered if he was faking it, but then he remembered how Dean was the one who taught Cas how to lie and how bad he still was at it. 

"Velma looks like.. she uses common sense." Cas observed. 

They were sitting on the bed in their motel room while Sam was in the other room. He had said he wanted some peace and quiet to research, leaving Dean and Cas alone in this room. Dean was sitting relaxed in the bed, with his legs spread out before him, while Castiel was sitting on the edge on the other side. Dean had the tickling to pull him closer. He tried to focus on the TV. 

"So how was your date, Dean?" Cas asked suddenly, without taking his eyes off the TV. 

"Date?" 

"The girl whose home you went to last night. What was her name?" 

Dean shrugged. "I don't know or remember. Whatever." 

Cas tilted his head to look at him. "You don't know the name of my girlfriend?"

Dean almost choked on his beer. "G..girlfriend?" 

"You had sex with her, didn't you?" 

"So?" 

"So that means she must be your girlfriend?" 

Dean laughed. "Oh you sweet little.. no, Cas, she is not my girlfriend."

"Then why did you have sex with her?" 

"First of all, stop saying sex so much. You're ruining it. Second, people can sleep with each other without dating them."

"So you don't love her?" Cas' eyes bore into Dean's. 

"I don't even remember her name. Talk about _loving_ her." 

Cas put his attention back on the TV without saying a word. Dean still couldn't stop laughing. The angel's innocence never failed to get him. 

"Do you enjoy it?" Cas asked after a while.

"Enjoy what?" 

Cas raised an eyebrow. "Fonduing?" 

Dean rolled his eyes. "Why else do you think I do it?" 

"Even without love?" 

"That's the best kind." 

Cas kept looking at him for a few moments, which made Dean really uncomfortable. After a while, Cas brought one of his legs up on the bed and laid back, just like Dean. 

"You don't feel anything? When you.. sleep with these women?" 

"There were one or two." Dean said, taking a swig of his beer, his mind flashing back.

"Lisa." 

"Yes." 

There was an awkward silence between them, the air filled with old memories of hurt and discomfort. 

Dean tried to focus on the scooby gang failing at another trap of theirs, but the damage was done. Cas was in his head again. 

"Why are you suddenly curious? Found some chick?" 

Cas gave him a funny look. "No Dean. I just wanted to understand you more." 

Dean snorted. " _Understand_ me more? You rebuilt my soul. What is there left for you to see?" 

"I rebuilt it, doesn't mean I own it. You have changed over the years and sometimes I wonder about you. Who do you love, what makes you happy, what goes on in your mind." 

_You_. Dean shut his thoughts out. "You ask Sammy about his sex life too?" 

Cas looked at him with apologetic eyes. "No." 

Dean looked away, unable to hold the angel's scorching gaze. "If you wanna know, I used to enjoy these one night stands. A different woman every night. I was living the dream. But now.." 

"Now I barely see you with any woman. What changed?" 

_You_. "Purgatory. Things are different now."

To his surprise, Cas wrapped his fingers around his wrist, making Dean look at him again. "We are here, Dean. We are back and that's all that matters." 

Dean chuckled uncomfortably. Cas was all over him. His essence was engulfing him and no matter how hard Dean tried to fight it, he was not gonna be able to escape this. 

"Are you really happy to be back?" Dean looked into Castiel's eyes, letting himself drown in the ocean. 

"I am only happy that you are back." 

Purgatory was raw and Castiel was pure. And Dean's soul, was once again going to be laid bare for the angel. 

He didn't know when he and Cas had shifted so close to each other. He didn't know when his breath was on Cas' face and when his lips were on the angel's. Cas released his wrist and his fingers reached for Dean's face - to pull him closer or to push him away, Dean didn't know. Because as soon as the fingers made contact with Dean's skin, something inside of him flinched and he pulled back. He hated himself more than ever. 

"Dean-" Cas begin softly. 

"No..no.. I am so sorry.. I am.. I can't.." Dean pulled himself back as far away from Cas as possible. He pulled his knees closer to the chest and buried his head between them, hoping that the tears that had formed in his eyes would not fall.

"Dean.." Cas said again, his fingers gently brushing Dean's shoulder, which made Dean flinch even more. Cas immediately removed them. 

"This was wrong..so wrong. I promise this won't happen again." 

"Dean, please listen to me." 

"No.. don't hate me please, Cas. It won't happen again." Dean said, not daring to raise his head to look at the angel. 

"I don't hate you, Dean. I can never hate you." Cas' voice was a lot closer now. Dean wanted him to touch him, to comfort him in his arms.. but this was supposed to be _wrong_. He shouldn't feel this way. 

"Will you please look at me?" Cas asked. 

Dean shook his head. _How will they ever get past this?_

"Dean. Look at me. I need you to look at me." The angel said in a firmer voice. 

Dean finally caved in and looked up. There was only an inch of space between them. 

"I don't hate you for what happened." 

Dean nodded. "Good. Because it won't happen again." 

Cas let out a sigh. "I don't know what's going on in your head, Dean but I..what you did.. I liked it. I wouldn't mind you doing it again." 

Dean stared at Cas. "No this is wrong. We are wrong!" 

"If we are wrong, why do we feel so right?" 

Dean felt his breath hitch in his throat. He just kept staring at Cas, at a loss of words. 

"There are some parts of you that I do know, Dean. I know how you have always tried to hide a part of you from your father. How you made yourself believe that certain things you feel for men were just your mind playing tricks on you. That this is not who you are." Cas carefully extended his hand and his fingers reached for the hunter's face. He looked at Dean for permission, who nodded slowly. Cas cupped his face with his hand and continued. "But I know you, Dean. I _see_ you. I see your longings. I see your conflicts. And everytime, I wait for you to overcome these. Like you did today." 

"Cas I-"

"You can't lie to me, Dean. I don't know when you will be truly ready, but I have waited all these years. I can wait some more." 

Dean closed his eyes, letting he tears fall on his face and the angel's hand. Cas didn't flinch away. He really wasn't going anywhere. 

After a while, Dean opened his eyes. "You don't have to wait." 

Cas didn't say anything. He just sat, patiently, until Dean gathered his courage and crashed his lips against the angel's. This time Cas didn't hold back. He grabbed the back of Dean's head to pull him closer and then they were drowning in each other again. 

It was going to be a hard journey for Dean, he knew that. He was still long way from accepting who he was.. _whoever_ he was. But he wasn't worried. Because Cas was there. _And everything wrong was feeling right._

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos or comments if you liked it ♥️♥️


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